After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
🐕🍷
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.