ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.