Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.