We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.