Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes