Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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Spring of Deception
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!