Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Okay
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.