date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
This raises questions
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
screw you
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time