Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*