I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset