me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.