horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014