What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?