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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.