“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
it’s the silliest best thing
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.