*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff