Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
this makes me so uncomfortable
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.