I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I mean…but I did
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?