a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful