Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.