Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]