Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?