I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped