If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Never let them know your next move 😂
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
#parenting
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel