I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You Might Also Like
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.