I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
my dog when i have a friend over
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes