So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
@ candidates for local office
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle