Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out