I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You Might Also Like
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?