My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles