I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions