Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.