[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Close call…
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
the icebreaker
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.