I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan