When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..