Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass