[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”