My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”