She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.