Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”