im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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I unironically love this joke.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
i’m sure it’s fine
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space