[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.