[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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BRAKING NEWS!!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
#dnd #ttrpg
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
is there nothing we can trust anymore
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.