Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I like long walks away from everyone
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]