If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock