half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Growing out my freckles.