Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.