WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
☠️☠️☠️
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.