Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in