You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
You Might Also Like
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
@funTweeters
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Born to be mild.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking